January 11, 2020 9:30 AM
After believing for two weeks that cancer had metastasized to and broken bones in my pelvis, the results of two subsequent scans, a nuclear bone scan and a CT scan of my chest, revealed that the only cancer in my body is the prostate cancer I have been treating ever since Cyberknife radiation failed to kill it in 2011. My oncologist conveyed this news together with the opinion that my low PSA readings make it unlikely that the prostate cancer has metastasized. So what fractured the bones? We examined the scan and observed that the high intensity radiation from the cyberknife could have passed through the bones on its way to my prostate. The likelihood now is that the breaks are radiation induced and not likely to shorten my remaining life as metastatic cancer in my bones would have.
I give thanks for this. And I also give thanks that I did not let the belief I held throughout the holidays that the cancer was likely to shorten my remaining life, possibly to less than a year, interfere with my enjoyment of the holidays. I continued to live in the moment, not allowing the dark thoughts to reduce my joy in the present reality. I also give thanks for the insights and support I have received over the years that have lead me to the beliefs and meditative practices that make this possible.
This experience of confronting and gaining peace with my mortality has elevated me, I believe, into a new phase of my life, one in which I can focus on the challenges of the present free from any thoughts or concerns about my ultimate demise. Not that I had dwelled on such thoughts but, at 85, I did occasionally ponder how much time I have left and how I will die. For two weeks I thought I had the answers and accepted them as OK. Now, I doubt that such thoughts will reappear; I am too focused on living my life. And new insights are flowing into my consciousness, I feel that I am living more “in the light” than ever.
I feel healthier than I have in months. For the past few weeks there has been no pain and few sensations from the fractured bones as there had been, on and off, since last February, when I believe they broke. While I am seeking professional opinions on any changes I should make in my exercise routine and life-style to accommodate the reality of the broken bones and any potential that others might break, I am welcoming 2020 and the challenges it brings me with a new confidence.
I am confident that, as I strive to live “in the light” for the balance of my life, I will complete whatever contributions I am meant to deliver while enjoying each day and my relationships with others.