Saturday, Dec. 14, 2019
I have been a sound sleeper for all of my life (except for the nighttime toilet visits that come with advancing age) but awoke at 4 am this morning. Naturally, my mind was focused on what I had heard yesterday: that I have an incurable cancer that will hasten my demise. Specifically, my thinking was focused on the big question of how do I integrate this reality into living my life and reaching the life goals to which I am passionately attached but have not yet achieved?
For many years I have started my days with coffee and meditation ( I have been either retired or working out of my home since 1995, so can afford the time). The meditation continues to have an extraordinarily profound effect on my life, but that’s for another blog. Today, I sought guidance in how to adapt my life to the new realities (I have believed strongly throughout my life in a Universal Higher Power, but that also is for another blog). Then, as I frequently do, I summarized the insights I received into my journal. I present that entry here, for insights into the directions my “new” life is taking.
Dec. 14. Big New Chapter . . . in my life – most likely the final chapter! I learned yesterday that the pain in my right leg/thigh is not caused by Lyme disease as I had thought, but by cancer in the bone that has metastasized from my prostate. A quick Web search for potential prognosis was not encouraging: the only cure is to stop the prostate cancer from metastasizing, and the dreaded hormone therapy plus chemo therapy and radiation may be the only way to attempt to achieve that; a 2018 study found that 6% of patients with bone cancer live five years.
So . . . I am truly confronted with my mortality for the first time in my life. I most likely will not live well into my 90’s as I had thought possible until I got the call yesterday. I may not even see 88, the target that has been in my mind most of my earlier life. This leads me to focus my thinking on:
- How can I best live what time I have left to learn and exemplify life lessons in how to leave life? I believe that my philosophy on how to best life life, gleaned from years of searching, is real and sound, as I am attempting to prove by living it. Now it is time to learn and exemplify how to best leave a good life.
I cannot just turn decisions that would affect the quality of my remaining life over to doctors, not out of fear of pain and suffering, but out of the belief that an extended downhill slide is not how a beautiful life should end unless that life remains beautiful to the end. I may reject hormone or chemo therapy if they are recommended. - How can I best spend the time I have remaining documenting the philosophy of life that I hold most dear, transferring from my mind and copious notes the theories and practices that may have value to others, like A Course in Caring?
Initial thoughts are to update my Web with my philosophy and to use my blog to convey key points and techniques. But this will, most likely, be second in priority to developing my vision for a major movement to discover and celebrate human spirituality. I have much to do before I die, which may influence my decisions on what I accept from the doctors and what I reject.
Then there are immediate, practical decisions that must be made, like how best to advise my loved ones about this reality. My thinking now is to:
- Hold any “announcement” until after the holidays, for two reasons: 1) to not impact the joy of the holidays, and 2) to see what the oncologist and I come up with for next steps and the prognosis that comes with them.
- Ensure that this change in my life does not deter from my ability to do my job and fully support Kate as we continue preparations for moving to Friends House.
The good news is that I feel very peaceful and aligned with the Life Force that guides me, confident, as I have been for most of my life, that “. . . goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life . . .” I also feel the joy of facing new challenges, new opportunities to apply my philosophy to how to best live the final chapter in my life.