Friday, Dec. 13, 2019.
I was awakened from my afternoon nap by Kate with a telephone. Dr. Jackson, my GP, was calling with the results of the CT scan taken of my hip the day before. I had seen her the previous week because the pain in my right leg had been persisting for a month. I had ascribed it to the Lyme disease bacteria that resides in my body and comes out of remission from time to time and attacks some weaker part of my body, like muscles in a leg. But now I felt it was time to see if there may be other causes for the pain.
“It looks like metastatic bone cancer from your prostate,” she pronounced, then advised that I see a medical oncologist as soon as possible.
I knew that this was not good and dug into research on the Net to see how bad it might be. The results: it’s incurable, it can bring considerable pain, and my chances of living 5 more years one study places at 6%.
O.K. Now my life pathway has shifted dramatically from believing that my lung and prostate cancers are under control, that the infrequent Lyme disease episodes are tolerable, and that I may live well into my 90’s, at least another ten years. My new pathway is set in the reality that I will be living the balance of my life with an incurable cancer that may take me within a year or so.
My initial reaction was “What must I do to adapt to this new reality (I have always loved challenges and problems to solve, and that drive kicked right in)?” I realized that I needed more facts, more questions answered, like what stage is the cancer now, what are the treatment options and the longevity projections? So I made an appointment with the oncologist Dr. Jackson recommended for a week from this coming Monday. I will have to live with many unanswered questions until then. My thinking turned to “How will I keep from falling into a whirlpool of worry, fear, anger, and self-pity?”
The initial answer came as I recalled three fundamental beliefs that have been strengthened as I age.
The first is feeling extraordinarily grateful for the 85 years I have lived so far. I have lived a full, most satisfying and rewarding life, and know that I could die tomorrow with no regrets. So I learned today that I have a limited number of tomorrows left. That just brings me the challenge of how best to use those tomorrows and, hopefully, make my life even more satisfying and rewarding.
Second, I concluded years ago that I do not fear death. I believe (as did Socrates) that death is either a sleep from which I will never awaken or that my soul will continue to exist, possibly as part of a cosmic consciousness. I see no other possibilities. So if one of these must be true I see nothing to fear.
Third, I have believed throughout most of my life that life is good and merciful — because it has been for me. It has been mostly good, but the few times it has been less than good it has been merciful. How powerful this belief is in helping me cope with what I learned today.
So I went to sleep easily and at peace, confident that guidance will be forthcoming in how to best traverse this new, final pathway in my life.