Month: December 2019

December 23, 2019.  5:00 PM

The oncologist wasted no time pulling up on his computer the CT scan that brought me to his office, and zeroing in on two fractured bones in my hip.  Both are “superior pubic ramus” bones; the right bone shows a crack and the right a clear gap.  It was easy to see that they are the cause of the discomfort and occasional pain I feel in my legs. 

The breaks were caused by cancer in the bone, but the doctor explained that more scans are needed, and possibly a biopsy, to determine where the cancer originated.  He thinks that my PSA of 11.1 is not high enough to assume that it is from my prostate.  So I have two additional scans scheduled for next week to search for other possibilities, a nuclear bone scan and a CT chest scan.  I will see the doctor again next Friday to get the results.  Hopefully, we’ll know then where the cancer is coming from and if it is present in other bones.  I’m hoping that we can also discuss treatment options.

For now, I have been advised to accept that I’m carrying weak bones around, bones that can break easily, so I need to be very cautious and use a cane when I walk.  Cancelled is my joining Kate in a trip to a beautiful sea-side resort in Cabo, Mexico for the first week in January.  The doctor said, “Absolutely not.”

So, I embark upon adopting a more sedentary lifestyle while pursuing my legacy project with more vigor.  I do so with the mindset that this is a new adventure, a new challenge in my life, and I have loved adventures and challenges throughout my life. 

December 23, 2019, 8:00 AM

I am anticipating that Kate and I will return from my appointment at 2 this afternoon with Dr. Reilly with much to contemplate and plan for.  I await his judgement on my condition and his recommendations with interest but not dread; I need his judgments and recommendations if I am to make the ultimate decisions that chart the balance of my life, that define the pathway I will take to my demise.  And I am grateful that my lack of fear of death permits me to approach that task with a clear mind and tranquility.

The beautiful weekend with my family in CT reinforced that tranquility with the power of love.  I loved every minute of being with my son, daughter-in-law, grandsons, and their brides to be (in 2020), daughter and her husband.  I loved relaxing and chasing joyous memories in the home that so reflects my son’s and daughter-in-law’s love of antique tools and bottles, which are displayed so attractively throughout.  How fortunate I am to have these loved ones in my life and to be able to, on occasion, connect with them physically.  This was a joyous visit, with no interference from concern about what I might hear from the oncologist this afternoon.         

Friday, Dec. 20, 2019

So I have now been living a week with the reality that I have metastatic bone cancer which will most likely shorten my life, perhaps to a year or so. I will continue to have to wait for answers to the many questions this raises until Monday, when I meet with an oncologist. Hopefully, he will tell me what treatment options are available, their side effects, and the estimate of life expectancy for each; how soon I may lose the use of my leg, and how my lifestyle may be affected as the disease progresses; how the disease may eventually take my life; whether we should test for possible spread of the cancer to additional organs; etc., etc., etc.

I feel blessed to report that such questions, while they enter my consciousness at times, do not become attached emotionally; they do not pull me down. They would if I made up answers and let myself become entrapped in fear generating hypothesis. But I practice living in the moment, so find it easy to dismiss such questions because they have no reality in the moment. They may next Monday, when I discuss them with the oncologist, but I refuse to let them affect my life until then. Stay tuned.

This has truly been a magnificent week for me. I feel raised up to a higher plateau of living and contributing than ever before. My love for Life, mine as well as all life, is with me throughout each day; my sense of mission is stronger than ever as is my confidence that I will succeed in achieving the goals that Life intends me to achieve; the silly demons of doubt and fear that occasionally held me back from doing my best have retreated to their caves; I find joy in just about every moment. In short, I feel well equipped to proceed down the new pathway that life abruptly placed me on last week. And I look forward to chronicling my journey here.

Saturday, Dec. 14, 2019

I have been a sound sleeper for all of my life (except for the nighttime toilet visits that come with advancing age) but awoke at 4 am this morning. Naturally, my mind was focused on what I had heard yesterday: that I have an incurable cancer that will hasten my demise. Specifically, my thinking was focused on the big question of how do I integrate this reality into living my life and reaching the life goals to which I am passionately attached but have not yet achieved?

For many years I have started my days with coffee and meditation ( I have been either retired or working out of my home since 1995, so can afford the time). The meditation continues to have an extraordinarily profound effect on my life, but that’s for another blog. Today, I sought guidance in how to adapt my life to the new realities (I have believed strongly throughout my life in a Universal Higher Power, but that also is for another blog). Then, as I frequently do, I summarized the insights I received into my journal. I present that entry here, for insights into the directions my “new” life is taking.

Dec. 14.  Big New Chapter . . . in my life – most likely the final chapter!  I learned yesterday that the pain in my right leg/thigh is not caused by Lyme disease as I had thought, but by cancer in the bone that has metastasized from my prostate.  A quick Web search for potential prognosis was not encouraging: the only cure is to stop the prostate cancer from metastasizing, and the dreaded hormone therapy plus chemo therapy and radiation may be the only way to attempt to achieve that; a 2018 study found that 6% of patients with bone cancer live five years. 
     So . . . I am truly confronted with my mortality for the first time in my life.  I most likely will not live well into my 90’s as I had thought possible until I got the call yesterday.  I may not even see 88, the target that has been in my mind most of my earlier life.  This leads me to focus my thinking on:

1. How can I best live what time I have left to learn and exemplify life lessons in how to leave life?  I believe that my philosophy on how to best life life, gleaned from years of searching, is real and sound, as I am attempting to prove by living it.  Now it is time to learn and exemplify how to best leave a good life.
        I cannot just turn decisions that would affect the quality of my remaining life over to doctors, not out of fear of pain and suffering, but out of the belief that an extended downhill slide is not how a beautiful life should end unless that life remains beautiful to the end. I may reject hormone or chemo therapy if they are recommended.
   
2. How can I best spend the time I have remaining documenting the philosophy of life that I hold most dear, transferring from my mind and copious notes the theories and practices that may have value to others, like A Course in Caring?
        Initial thoughts are to update my Web with my philosophy and to use my blog to convey key points and techniques.  But this will, most likely, be second in priority to developing my vision for a major movement to discover and celebrate human spirituality.  I have much to do before I die, which may influence my decisions on what I accept from the doctors and what I reject.

     Then there are immediate, practical decisions that must be made, like how best to advise my loved ones about this reality.  My thinking now is to:

• Hold any “announcement” until after the holidays, for two reasons: 1) to not impact the joy of the holidays, and 2) to see what the oncologist and I come up with for next steps and the prognosis that comes with them.
  
• Ensure that this change in my life does not deter from my ability to do my job and fully support Kate as we continue preparations for moving to Friends House.

     The good news is that I feel very peaceful and aligned with the Life Force that guides me, confident, as I have been for most of my life, that “. . . goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life . . .”  I also feel the joy of facing new challenges, new opportunities to apply my philosophy to how to best live the final chapter in my life.

Friday, Dec. 13, 2019.

I was awakened from my afternoon nap by Kate with a telephone. Dr. Jackson, my GP, was calling with the results of the CT scan taken of my hip the day before. I had seen her the previous week because the pain in my right leg had been persisting for a month. I had ascribed it to the Lyme disease bacteria that resides in my body and comes out of remission from time to time and attacks some weaker part of my body, like muscles in a leg. But now I felt it was time to see if there may be other causes for the pain.

“It looks like metastatic bone cancer from your prostate,” she pronounced, then advised that I see a medical oncologist as soon as possible.

I knew that this was not good and dug into research on the Net to see how bad it might be. The results: it’s incurable, it can bring considerable pain, and my chances of living 5 more years one study places at 6%.

O.K. Now my life pathway has shifted dramatically from believing that my lung and prostate cancers are under control, that the infrequent Lyme disease episodes are tolerable, and that I may live well into my 90’s, at least another ten years. My new pathway is set in the reality that I will be living the balance of my life with an incurable cancer that may take me within a year or so.

My initial reaction was “What must I do to adapt to this new reality (I have always loved challenges and problems to solve, and that drive kicked right in)?” I realized that I needed more facts, more questions answered, like what stage is the cancer now, what are the treatment options and the longevity projections? So I made an appointment with the oncologist Dr. Jackson recommended for a week from this coming Monday. I will have to live with many unanswered questions until then. My thinking turned to “How will I keep from falling into a whirlpool of worry, fear, anger, and self-pity?”

The initial answer came as I recalled three fundamental beliefs that have been strengthened as I age.

The first is feeling extraordinarily grateful for the 85 years I have lived so far. I have lived a full, most satisfying and rewarding life, and know that I could die tomorrow with no regrets. So I learned today that I have a limited number of tomorrows left. That just brings me the challenge of how best to use those tomorrows and, hopefully, make my life even more satisfying and rewarding.

Second, I concluded years ago that I do not fear death. I believe (as did Socrates) that death is either a sleep from which I will never awaken or that my soul will continue to exist, possibly as part of a cosmic consciousness.  I see no other possibilities.  So if one of these must be true I see nothing to fear.

Third, I have believed throughout most of my life that life is good and merciful — because it has been for me. It has been mostly good, but the few times it has been less than good it has been merciful. How powerful this belief is in helping me cope with what I learned today.

So I went to sleep easily and at peace, confident that guidance will be forthcoming in how to best traverse this new, final pathway in my life.